Holes Inside

It gets so bad sometimes to the point I want to throw my phone and just leave it there. It's not like anyone would care or notice. It's not like anyone even reads this blog. I feel like a tool. I check my phone and no words. And if there are, there are one, two, or three of them that means nothing. I haven't felt this cold in awhile and pushed to the side. I used to think I was this prized thing to you. Now I'm a chore.

All the while, I am waiting here like an idiot to hear a word from you that actually means something. You used to look forward to seeing me. To hearing from me. And now you have to go out of your "way" to make time.

I've hollowed out a hole inside my chest. All I do is cry all the time. Because I miss you, I miss you being here. You're words aren't enough, you say so little. How could you care? If you don't feel like I do. I'm so tired of being sad. You could change it all, you could make me happy again, or leave it the same till I've had enough. I'm almost at the end.

Droplets

These droplets are falling in my head. All contradicting eachother. Sometimes I think I know the right thing to do, other times I don't know. I can be outgoing and funny, and the next day I feel like it's all a waste. I need something fresh; I want it constantly. And I know what that thing is and how impossible it is for me to have. I hate being in love sometimes, and the rest of the time, I only feel hope. But hope is a tricky thing. Hope in place of something that is absent. A promise in place of something I can't hold with my arms or touch with my fingers.

As sweet as memories are, they become duller as days go on. They aren't as clear and they lose details, precious precious details that once they are gone, you realize that you are sitting on your bed, writing a blog on how much you wish they were here. I don't know which side to cling onto. Feeling like I am hearing from him because of words that appear on my phone, hearing his voice on the other line, or seeing his face on the other end of a computer screen? Nothing changes the fact that he isn't here. And that I can't touch him or hold him like I want to. And when I realize these things, it makes me feel weak. Makes the droplets in my head pour down a storm. Because I am crying. I am in love but half my heart is missing, and thus is incomplete.

The twisted part is, I would rather love the ghost of you than nothing at all. And when you are here, my heart sings. It's all I can hold onto.

Summer Nights

Those summer nights, driving down the road late at night and early in the morning, city lights, star gazing, meeting new friends, laughing till you cry, and acting care free. I've missed all of that. Summer is halfway gone, and I can't even really remember it. I feel like it's wasted. And I don't know how I can salvage it when things seem to be slipping or have already been lost. Can I just wake up tomorrow where all the things I imagined for my "last" summer come true? Can I shut my eyes tightly, and when I open them, I see that things are changed?

Summertime dreamers and true believers.

I get scared

I think I've hit the realization that I am self conscious because I fear I am not up to par for the people I love. I am scared that my beauty, beauty meaning beyond physicality, will not be enough to keep or sustain through difficult times. In my eyes, their beauty will never be in question if it is enough, it is more than enough. It is a blessing. I just want the same certainty. I want to be worth it. I want to be a blessing. Just like they are in my life...

I don't want to feel like I fall into the background noise anymore. I don't want to disappear. It's just when I am with them, they are all I see. It's like looking into the eyes of a miracle. And I am falling.

The Ferris

You know what is?
Red hearts cut neatly from construction paper,
gets weathered, bent, and starts to rip at the edges
I smile, but I'm losing my composure
My mask starts to break when I start to cry, then I smile,
because it's stupid
Stupid, but it's hurting me
Your fingers are made from metal
But I offer the heart shaped paper anyways
Without intention, it isn't worth a mention,
the paper heart begins to tear
into a million little pieces at the touch of a machine
"Hey" he says "You've got a raindrop falling down your cheek,
it looks like a tear"
And the paper falls like rose petals in the water
And I lay my head back, and I am falling back
But something warm catches me
and wraps around me
Its name is love, made from ripped up paper and rain
I am on the sails, with you as my anchor
It's hard to hear you from way up here
The ship is heading towards the sunset,
and then returning to the rise
While my anchor lies stationary, staring up at the clouds

It's starting to rain a lot these days.

The love she breathes

In the end, this piece of good advice has stuck with me to be the big picture: love as much as you can, while you can. Life is too short. I think it's funny how people think they have control of decisions like this, when it comes to emotions. You can't just cut the people you love out of your life, it's not your decision to make. Nor can you make yourself feel something you don't. So if you love someone, let yourself love them, and let yourself receive that love. A lot of the obstacles in life differ on how we percieve them. We can see them as a cement wall, or a speed bump. It's about perspective. Then, perseverance and faith. Love is like the flowing vein in life. It keeps us alive, keeps us vital. And when you pursue that path to your full ability, you have no regrets. Only experience to make you grow and appreciate the beautiful miracles that we take for granted on a daily basis. The only time I'd say two people don't work, if they were truly in love, is if somehow one no longer loves the other. Everything else can be conquered.

Because in the end, all you really can recall are things experienced, not the things prevented.

Today's Forecast

The weather inside my head as of late has been groggy. Yesterday I woke up, thinking it would be one of the best days of summer, and it turned out to be one of the worst. And this forecast in my head is cloudy. It is just another example of how you never know just how different your day will turn out, or just how predictable. I was planning on just laying in bed all day, because it is pointless to roam aimlessly around my piano, doodle on a few notes and melodies, and manage to wander back into bed. There's not too much I want to do today. I am helpless to the fact that my heart feels like sandpaper is rubbing against it, and I'm trying not to cry too much. But every little thing is setting me off. I just want to be alone, but part of me is insisting that I take Katy's advice and go to that swim party. I can at least pretend to be okay. I can smile, and maybe even get a real laugh into it. But who really knows.

I don't know if I can do this. But, I'm going to try.

Isn't it crazy

Something that is bitterly laughable is the subject of love. It is the best thing, it is the worst thing. But, how do you decide what is what when you are caught in the middle of it? I've said I was in love before, and there was no denying I was. But looking back I wish I could've had the opportunity to fight for it instead of the other person making a decision for the both of us, cutting the vein while the rest of me bled out. I bled out. Who really knows what the right thing is in a situation until it has already passed and you can evaluate all you like? It's like all the cliche things that ever have been said about love: love is a drug, love is the devil, love is kind, love is the best thing you will have. How could something be so euphoric, and so painful? Hearing stories of how love succeeded or failed is as much a relevence as a picture of air is to a man who is suffocating.

Funny thing is, I knew this wouldn't be easy.