There will always be a square one.

There will always be a square one. Always be summer. A winter. Memories of a life once lived and re-occuring themes. And as I am typing, I wonder how I have found myself sitting once more in my bed during the day, trying the pass the time to alleviate the pressure that my thoughts are causing inside of my head... Also to stop the ever expanding hole that I feel in my body. Again I am here. Different faces maybe, but human interactions and situations (for the most part) are all the same. I don't need fancy words or metaphors to just be able to say my heart hurts. My body hurts. My head hurts. I am just, altogether, hurting. Can I just say it? Scream it even. But I have run out of people to tell and the thought is still so evident and raw in my entire body. I try to pull strength from invisible lines. How is it though, that you can hoist yourself up after you've fallen? Where the hell do you get that kind of strength? I am trying to keep my thoughts busy by trying to keep them in check. I am trying to stop looking at the clock. I am trying to play the game of who needs who least, but I lose every time and cave. Does this mean I am weak? Or that my capacity to love is great? Am I overbearing? Or am I giving him everything that I always wanted. Because I know that I want to be wanted. I want someone whose thoughts always somehow land on me, like mine do to him. He sneaks into my conversations, into my thoughts, and even into my dreams. I had a nightmare last night about how today's (future) conversation would pan out. Different scenarios, all options he can take. But, I have an option too. And what I ask is very simple. Love me like you claim you do. You tell me that you've never loved anything as much as you love me? Show me, because now words are not enough. How can you be bored dating your "dream girl"? The reality of it is, is that I am not the dream girl you truly imagined or that you are not loving me the way you should. And in that case, I can't do it anymore. I can't need you more than you need me. I can't drop everything if you need me, and when I need you, you may not be there. It isn't fair. Does this mean I love you any less? Of course not. But it will allow me to move on and become more independent. If you cannot give me the love that I give you, then I can't wait do it. If I can't have you Tiger, I will be lucky if I find someone like you in the future.

A PM Broadcast

I am broadcasting to you from my noon class which seems to me that I can periodically check in an check out mentally and do just fine, at least in the beginning of this semester. It gives me a lot of time to think, actually, and mentally vent. It may sounds weird or seem strange to be publicly announcing my thoughts when I am cautious to share every thought to my closest friends because, let's be honest, nobody wants to hear anybody's every thought. But here I feel a sort of silence, I could go on and on without judgement, even maybe, without my own as well. I feel as if so much has gone on this weekend, but in reality not that much happened. It just seems greater in my head, and therefore my mind has chewed and chewed on the idea until there isn't any flavor left in the memory. I've thought about every single angle, every single predicament, looking at things in a different light, and still I keep thinking about it. But no matter how much I think about it, it's not enough to change things. Sometimes I wish that we had an alternative life that I could live on with both choices instead of having to choose just one, if only to see the outcome of both or all decisions. But it's no surprise that life in that sense, is a gamble. Makes it more exciting. I think I had become too comfortable in it all, and I need that edge, that thrill, that excitement. Don't get me wrong, I am very content in my life right now, but I want more. I don't want just an average, okay life. I want one full and constantly flourishing. Is that selfish to ask or admirable? I haven't found an answer to that one just yet...

They don't always tell you

They tell you, they preach the proverbial "long distance relationship are hard". But what they don't tell is that they can be hard in two extremities. One, you want and wish and pray to see that person as often as possible and it hurts when you don't, or when you begin to get used to the fact that you won't see them and you begin to feel empty. It's as if you've misplaced something dear. The more I think of our time apart, the more miss every detail. You just want nothing more for them to be here, and when they are not you grow numb to it and begin to forget exactly what it feels like to hold their hand or the subtle differences between their voice in person and through a phone. It's one of the worst feelings knowing you have someone and yet you are alone. Everything is amplified, the distance seemingly growing in multitudes but there is nothing you can do in the time between seeing them. And while a million things are rushing through my mind, the only thing that is screaming out is I miss you...

The Beginnings.

I cannot stress enough how badly I want to be a good person. It's as if my consciousness has evolved and shifted into this goal to which has no end and that I have started this foot race at a sprint. I began looking into the Peace Corps today, and though it seems that for awhile it is not something I can pursue (I don't necessarily have an area of expertise I have to offer besides sarcasm and my eagerness to do and be "good") that it is something I should definitely consider. Otherwise, I'll be just like the rest of the people who see a sad commercial of hungry children, feel pity, and go on eating their dinner just in time to forget about it. For example, I bought a homeless man dinner two nights ago. He came up to me after shopping at Target, and I gave him a bottle of water that I keep in the back of my car just in case a situation like that happened. It only took 5 dollars to feed a hungry man, and when I think about how easily I can spend 5 dollars and not think anything of it, it makes me sick and also very sad. There has to be something I can do, because while I feel that the rest of the people here (at least in college) want to be a certain something, a doctor, a lawyer, an actor, all I really want is to be a good person and live my life fully. Maybe that is something people don't focus enough on, or perhaps they get caught up so much in their own life that they miss the general principle of it all- the principle that we inhabit this world with other people and that it is our responsibility as humans to help each other. That is our humanity, the fact that we all bleed and hurt.