The Chair Confession

I'm the best girlfriend, or the best best friend

I'm the best daughter, or the best granddaughter

I can't be both. And I know I should be able to, but I just don't know how
I can never walk the tightrope straight down the middle
and it makes me hate myself that much more.
Out of hurt, I get wound up and angry
But, so do they
And I don't want to mistreat anyone
But I'm running around trying to please everyone

I want a world where I could be with my boyfriend
and another with my best friend
and another in college
and another dancing
and another singing and playing the piano
and another with my family
and another with all my mistakes and hurt so that that Alexis in that world could just run away and not come back

But I only get one.

People reassure you that you're a good person when others leave
Then, when it starts happening again, other people repeat the same things to you when those who comforted you before are leaving
Till there's no one.
Till maybe you realize that they're right
That you're selfish, that you're not a good person

I don't want to be that. And it hurts me so much
I'm so angry with myself

I want to be the best girlfriend, and best bestfriend, the best daughter, and the best granddaughter. I love these people. I don't want to hurt them.

I wish I was better

Sparklers

I find myself smiling unconsciously. Driving home, in class, taking a walk, you know, life stuff. And it seems to me that when you smile, and don't even realize it till you catch yourself, that is the greatest type of contentment. Even furthermore, the purest type of happiness, when your body reacts before your mind really does.

Being enveloped in a memory as you relive it, enough to make your body physically reflect it is a miracle.

Life is a miracle. I'm in love with my world. The beautiful world in your eyes and in mine.

The "Real" World

I feel so adult. So grown up. And it's like being encased by a thin sheet of plastic.
Being independant can sometimes result to being lonely.
If you're the only person who thinks the way you do. Or feels the way you do.
If you want to be different. You will be seperated.
What's the point of being a strong person, learning the hard way, and having a mouthful to preach if only a few people listen? What were those lessons for?
And someone tell me why they were repeated.
Why I had to hurt the second, third, 10th, 15th, or 100th time?
I grew up fast because I had to. I couldn't sit back and just cry all the time.
I couldn't ask for help. And now I feel cold and don't bother.
And it puts a wall between me and the world...

I don't want to be serious or helpless all the time. But sometimes, it is difficult for me to find what there is to be happy about in a situation.

"Be happy because it's almost over," they say. "It's near the end, you're almost there." And after, they apologize because nothing more can be said or done.

What do I do then? Or in the meanwhile?

I don't want to be an adult right now. I want to be protected by people who love me. I am tired of picking up all the pieces.

Jeremy

I love you.
It's crazy.
I believe in you.
And the feeling is fantastic.
You are everything I ever wanted in someone else.
You are a part of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
I want to see you succeed.
I will pick you up if you should ever fail.
I will love you past any heartache.

I'd like, if you'd permit me, to spend the rest of my life with you.

Did You Think?

The old man with the dusty black toppers hat sticks his hand out
and sheepishly smiles
He's about to ask you if it's everything you thought
You open your mouth, like a child, eager and innocent to reply
but nothing comes out
There's not meant to be sound here
But still, the man's voice continues to drone
You forget why you came
Or even your name
And you realize then, that you'll never be the same
The man continues to grin, then slowly shrugs, and walks away
"Wait, what's your name?" you think to say

He turns around with a renewed glow, "Gro Winup"

(Insert Word Here)

The funny thing about love is that it can be funny, or rip you to shreds. How funny.

I watch the tv, but I don't see anything.

I listen to music, but the sound doesn't register.

I spend my life waiting on other people... and it makes me feel horrible.

You could not love at all, and flatline.

Or you could love and it would be the greatest letdown, or more promise than you ever expected. Nobody ever tells you what side you'll land on. Nobody tells you that you can switch the sides as quickly as you came into them.

It only takes a moment to change your mind...

Well... Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt

I'm lucky.

Maybe not lucky, maybe blessed is the right word.

Just... AHHHHHHHHHHRRGGGGGGG!

I just fucking love awesome days like this. Great memories. I love my Jeremy, like (high-pitched) YEE-AY-YAH (Also include an Asian man doing a heel click in the air with a thumbs up).

And great friends who provide great company (even bigger) YEEEEE-AAYYYY-YAAHHH!

Today was just freaking amazing. My abs hurt from laughing. Which I'll probably need since I devoured and demolished food today.

:D Ok!

Time

Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing through water. The oxygen in my lungs is running out, and I want to go faster, but can't. Other times, it's like spinning in circles. The blur of colors, the rush of blood, tiptoeing on the fact that you could fall, and that excited buildup you have in your stomach as your cheeks ache from smiling too much.

In an essance, that is the concept of time. Stop and go. Push and pull. Wanting to slow down each second to savor, or wanting to rush through it in a daze. I wish I could say that I was in a predicament where every single moment of my life compelled me to cherish it. But unrelentless boredom and a frantic mind often don't go hand in hand.

Basically, I hate boredom. It's unproductive and dissatisfying.

I just wish I had the people who make time really matter to me where here with me.

A Glimpse

I could give you a play by play on the things I want to achieve in life.

It's so different from what other people want, not that I expected it to be the same or anything like that, but sitting in a car, off campus for lunch, with an ex-best friend who was lighting a joint, put some things into perspective.

I couldn't help it. I asked her if she was happy, she said she was completely happy doing drugs, that she didn't want to spend her money on anything else really (she asked me what the point was), and that she was okay with dying young because dying is a part of life.

Well, that's one way of looking at it. But, I'm not at the slightest bit satisfied with that answer, simply because that's not what I want for myself. Imagine the type of clean cut, moral, "take the high road" person I am. I was raised to set standards up for myself. And I'm not entirely sure what that means.

Then, the topic of serious relationships came up, and she said she just wanted someone who...well, wanted her. Nothing more, really. And again, I find myself not being okay with that. I love serious relationships. I love being with that one person, that special person who is unlike any other beautiful thing created on this Earth (Jesus Christ, is he beautiful to me...) I pour my devotion, passion, love, faith, knowledge, and everything into it, in the belief that my love will grow and prosper, and that the happiness will always remain to stay true.

I believe in Princes, Princesses, and happy endings.

And eventually in the future, I want a beautiful family. A husband who loves me unconditionally. A beautiful baby girl or boy. The house that needed our personal touch to make it into a home...

Don't get me wrong, this picture isn't for the now. But someday, when I'm ready, ready to give my whole world to the two most important people in it, I'll ask God to grant me these blessings. I want these things when I am capable of fufilling them to the greatest extent. I want it, when the time is right.

It's just a glimpse into the future.

I Can Feel The Rain

And from the blur of city lights
Swept away through the bustling city
she stood
A red raincoat, and beneath it, black hair
stuck to her face and rested on her wet cheeks and shoulders
He took hold of her hands
"You're cold"
She nodded
"I know, they're encrypted with ice"
He looked down at the hands that quivered,
usure if it were his own
shards of ice falling beneath them
washed away from the rush of water
and drowned out by the thunder
"Can't you hear the crashing?" she lifted her face towards the sky
"Can't you hear it breaking...?
The chaos is as steady as my heartbeat."
He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around the frailty, "Heartbeat or break?"
She rested her head on his chest, "In all certainty, both"