The Chair Confession

I'm the best girlfriend, or the best best friend

I'm the best daughter, or the best granddaughter

I can't be both. And I know I should be able to, but I just don't know how
I can never walk the tightrope straight down the middle
and it makes me hate myself that much more.
Out of hurt, I get wound up and angry
But, so do they
And I don't want to mistreat anyone
But I'm running around trying to please everyone

I want a world where I could be with my boyfriend
and another with my best friend
and another in college
and another dancing
and another singing and playing the piano
and another with my family
and another with all my mistakes and hurt so that that Alexis in that world could just run away and not come back

But I only get one.

People reassure you that you're a good person when others leave
Then, when it starts happening again, other people repeat the same things to you when those who comforted you before are leaving
Till there's no one.
Till maybe you realize that they're right
That you're selfish, that you're not a good person

I don't want to be that. And it hurts me so much
I'm so angry with myself

I want to be the best girlfriend, and best bestfriend, the best daughter, and the best granddaughter. I love these people. I don't want to hurt them.

I wish I was better