Brilliance

Is reflecting off of the multi-colored panes of glass. Splintering into a thousand pieces. Warming even the darkest of crevices. Smothering the darkest of hearts.

There is power to innocence because it does not claim power. And that's a clean heart.

Nightlight

It's late, which is usual for me to blog. It will end soon now that summer is coming to a close. I feel like time was so completely stalled the beginning half of summer, and ever since the beginning of August, things have shifted gears full swing.

Nighttime is where I reach the most clarity I think.

I feel so breathless. I am definately in love with being in love and feeling the most passion I can in life. I see no other way to live. Everytime I look at him, my thoughts are literally gone. It's like when you lose your place in a book. It happens in a moment. But, that single moment is enough to make me feel like I am falling. And falling. And falling... to a place that has no end.

In 19 days, my life has changed in the most unexpected way and in the largest way that I didn't even think it was possible. He is amazing, and saying that he is amazing is almost an insult.

I am truly blessed.

My Checklist

To God for everything I am thankful for...

It will go on forever, I swear. I am so incredibly blessed that I cannot believe my life sometimes. Sure, there are hardships, but I overcome it with the strength in my heart, from my support group of friends, and most importantly I draw it from God. He knows what he is doing.

Jeremy, I have no words. You are so amazing, and such a blessing...

The Road Less Traveled...Or Not At All

What a twisted turn of events that my passport was the only one that did not come in time for my big summer vacation to Mexico. After waiting a few weeks, we come to find that it was lost in the mailing process.

So, after some improv to the plans, we decided to go to Puerto Rico. We booked the hotel, the flight, and the rental car. The dates were set, and we were more than ready to go except:

UH OH! HURRICANES!

Yes, hurri-effing-canes... WOW.

So, it seems we're not meant to travel this summer, but that's okay. I had one of the best days/nights of summer spent with one of the most amazing people to ever walk the face of the Earth. Wanna know why? Because this person is exactly like me. And so naturally, we are awesome.

I'm sorry, I have to giggle at my humor...

Okay, I'm done.

But seriously, I am almost tempted to persuade my family to stay in town rather than a quick trip to California because I would like to spend more time with my friends here.

Let's end this summer with a bang, shall we?

Hmm

You don't write anymore.

Is it because you don't want to have to think about everything? Because you might find something out about yourself that you don't like?

Whatever. It honestly doesn't even matter. I've always cared too much.

Oh, I Wanna Hold Your Hand

For many reasons. Unable to be explained with words. But, if I tried, simply because it feels right.

I am completely bewildered by what draws two people together. I am in awe of it. And I am lucky that I do feel it, and always have experienced it strongly.

My hand is drawn to yours.

To Think They're Only In Books

Things are going by fast. Way fast. And it is difficult for me to voice, but I voice them because of the simple fact that it is the truth. It's like something inside of me, and obviously him, is already at this "level" (not the right word, but I can't even explain it, honestly) and my mind just needs some time to catch up. It's only understandable. I am moving as fast as humanly possible. But, it is a crazy ride. And I think I'm the only who is slowing it down. It's all in place, I just need time so that it can register somehow in my head.

I didn't really think this would exist. Or that it would even happen this way. But, it is too uncanny to deny that he is my other pair.

I literally have no other words. It's just so crazy

Oh!

And the other huge news I forgot to mention.

I've decided to be happy in life, and leave the rest to figure out.

I'm auditioning for Calarts for dance. I'm getting in. And I am determined to make it.

I'm going to do what I love. And it's a fantastic feeling

A Quick One

But, important nonetheless.

I just had one of the most excellent conversations ever.

Seriously, I am almost at a loss for words. I didn't think it possible, but someone actually gets me. It's like talking to a boy version of me. I've never met anyone who met my thoughts on par.

Not gonna lie, it's pretty tight. I wonder how I got here. I wonder how the rest of it will unfold

Dearest Bunny,

I'm writing to you to keep some part of you alive to me. I don't want to lose a best friend, and if I can pretend that you're still here somewhere, I'll feel okay. These blogs aren't for anyone else really, more for me to breathe, more for you to understand. Even though I know you won't read this, even though I don't know where you have really gone.

But, updates bunny, updates. I am happy. Of course not always, but those pieces of happiness give me a glimpse of what the future will look like with time. Time was always weighted with you. Things happened as fast as they went away. That being said, it was all crucial and important. I am starting a few things that make me feel like I am back where I was four months ago: with you. Except this time, it isn't with you. I'm starting to understand that you're not the only person who thinks I seem like the perfect girl. And it makes my heart fill and repair. A fraction at a time.

I was good for you bunny. You weren't good for me.

But Wendy still loves you nonetheless

Tonight's closing thought

I still love you by the way. The you that is waiting for me on cloud 9.

He is amazing. I love him a lot...

The Winding Road

Writing, writing, writing...

It seems it's like one of the only things that make sense nowadays. I sit back and wonder, wide eyed, when I will stop crying. And for some reason, it normally happens at night just before I dream. An acknowledgement of things that cannot be ignored or pushed aside. An acknowledgement that there is a hole inside my chest.

Something about nighttime drives makes me want to go down that road forever. No other cars. Thoughtful music. City lights. Overcast weather. Simplicity.

I beg for simplicity because when things become overcomplicated, it saturates my mind with too many thoughts, most of them overwhelming. I literally cannot breathe when I am overwhelmed by things, and these things as of late have been from pain. Mental heartache manifests into physical discomfort. And it sucks.

I just look forward to being an "adult". I want to get the hell out of high school. Get the hell away from people who are, simply put, just fucking stupid. I'm sick of mindless people who have no thoughts deeper than the drama that is surrounding their immediate life. I have a word of advice for you: Get over it.

I'm looking for people who have this incredible energy for life. Passion filled people with potent minds and good hearts. People who utilize their voices for a purpose on any scale. Do not speak of useless things. Speech was created for a purpose of expressing oneself. Not to fill awkward silences. Whether it be for entertainment, enlightenment, what have you. Use your voice for a purpose.

Lastly, speaking of "adulthood", I want the luxury of having the proper circumstances for a relationship. Sneaking around your parents, asking to borrow the car or for gas money, having a curfew, ect. - limits you and also makes you realize how immature a relationship like that can be. It's too childlike and too reckless.I want to be able to fall in love without anyone else's approval, see them whenever and wherever, enjoy a day spent in bed or at home with them...

Makes me wish I could grow up faster.

True Colors

I guess you never know. I guess these colors are everchanging. People change. Circumstances change them.

But seriously, I have no hard feelings. It only pushes me more towards God. People let me down, He will not. He will not fail me, or leave me, or hurt me. And I believe in his plan. I will not weaken from these obstacles, I will grow from them till I have reached my full potential, and then more.

Let me just say this, it was not a mistake that you couldn't see how much of a good woman I am. It's just God's way of saying, I deserve better. Someone who I don't have to settle for. Someone who fits me in the way a glove fits a hand. Someone who will care for me. And most importantly, who will love me and prize that love.

I will patiently wait for him. And till then, my heart may remain incomplete. I want someone who can love me as much as I love him. That is my prayer

I am the color Red

Cheers

Get ready boys and girls. Because summer has finally started.

Better late than never. It's starting to pump the blood back into my system.

Lifestreaming

Random Thoughts

Myspace is bs. I hate the fact that it's an announcement of my personal life. I am considering deleting it completely or just making it inactive. I don't even know what's going on in my life, and I'm not about to go post it (blogs are different, ha).

Another thing. I'm not about to go delete any of my past blogs either, even if currently I don't agree with all of them. My mind is hyperactive and constantly switching back and forth so I'm pretty sure you can tell how I'm feeling by the vibe of each blog. Sometimes I'm cool, sometimes I'm great, sometimes I'm not so hot. But come on, get off my back and cut me some slack.

I'm doing okay. I'm managing. I have a beat to my step. But I want more. I am always craving more. I like living with emotional extremes (don't get me wrong, I obviously want extreme happiness, but I know I can't have it without the bad). I'm not cool with being a straight line stoic type. I don't like being detached from life, I like living it. But at the same time, I love thinking about situations and scenarios in life. I thrive off of life talks; they're the best. And I also think it brings you closer to people when you can relate to them on another level.

Man, who really knows anything anymore? I've got a few things figured out and I guess everything else I'll just have to wing, with experience in my back pocket and an open mind. An open mind to stay on my own life road and focus on that rather than becoming entangled with other people.

I've got to keep busy, busy, busy. I've got to keep going or else my thoughts will become self destructive. I'm walking on a very thin line coated with ice. But every moment, the line gets thicker, the ice starts to melt, and I move on.

Oh, one last thing. Memories are sweet, but I fall in love at the wrong times. Love can be a bitch. So can life and its circumstances. It's always the circumstance, never the people and I'm not sure which is worse.

God Bless. Lord knows we all need it

Fire Burning

There's a fire burning in my heart. And not even my tears can put it out. I'm sorry. I am not angry with you. I just love you. The thought of losing you hurts so much.

There has to be a way out of this hole.

The Grains Of Sand

I am wrecked by indecision. And torn completely in two. Sometimes, I think everything will be okay, and then I remember that they are not. I have to be okay with not being okay, I have to deal and ride the wave until it dies down. But other times, I drown. Tied to an anchor at the other end of the road when I am in the middle and immobile.

All you had to do is look at me to see that I loved you. But looking at me would re-convince you how much you don't want to let go. And how hard it is.

So this is the breaking point. All or nothing. And you ask me to not let everything go, but I can't give you that unless you are willing to give me what I want. Push through it, or everything is gone. And I will stay gone