I've got this little bit of heaven

Somehow, miracuously, I've managed to jump up and take a little bit of heaven into my palm. Just a some cloud, and light, and love. Aren't we always looking up? I, of course, still do. But something catches my eye before my gaze. Something beautiful that makes me realize heaven is
real without looking up. Heaven is real in warm brown eyes or a smile that bubbles like champagne. He is my remarkable. And if this heaven and remarkable will stay with me throughout my life, I might just about cry.

Heaven is a beautiful place, and tiger, I'm right there with you.

I promise.

And it goes a little something like this,

What is wrong, and who is right?
Day is black, and night is white.
And all I see is endless grey

Your fingertips brush against my palm,
Am I right? Or am I wrong?
You've known this answer all along,
But I feel as if I will never get there.

This silver line is wearing thin
My head will rest upon my chin
The drier the eye that once would rain
Livelyhood to mask the pain

This pain, this pain, oh go away
Excuse yourself now, on this day
For I have not enough to pay
your hefty toll that strickens me

And still I pray now, to this day
That you will finally find a way
To teach me how to breakaway

From myself.

From my shadow.

From my sins.

Sometimes, even the rain may cry

There are times when you cry because you need to. And you continue to cry because letting it out is the only way you'll feel right. Today, right now, is that kind of time.

I am insanely, head over heels, more than words could express, in love. This person is just as much a part of me just like my heart of my head, anything physical or attatched. I can't remove him. I can't be angry with him for more than five minutes. I need him.

I've fallen so deep that I'm crossing the line of being naive or stupid. I don't care. I'd rather be like this than be like pessimistic about love. I want to believe it. There's nothing wrong with believing that maybe the ocean is really on the other side of the seashell. That heaven awaits you after you die. That two people can fall in love young and spend the rest of their lives together. That dreams come true. Because they did, when he came into my life. And I will do what it takes to stay with him and live out the life I've always wanted.

This is our beginning. The beginning of the greatest love story: my own. My first hand experience of adventure and love that it is tangible. The kind that artists, poets, and authors write about in books and history pages. It's here. And I'm so happy it makes me cry.

He is so imperfectly perfect. Like God hand-crafted him just for me; how thankful I am to have him. I can't even describe it.

The Red Sun Rising

Goodmorning. I'm broadcasting to you from my 4th period of which I have absolutely nothing to do and could've very well slept in, instead of haul my ass out of bed 7 in the morning. 

Oh well... I am already here.

Today is my anniversary everyone. I don't really leave room for debate of what an anniversary should be considered, my anniversary is my anniversary as I see fit, and that's all that matters. Not by anyone's standards, just as I wouldn't impose mine unto yours.

I've been having talks, you know those "girl talks", obviously, with the girls. Exchanging what's been going on in our lives, dancer chats and going out to lunch. And it's been nice. I have always felt incredibly blessed, incredibly in bliss, and I know just how lucky I really am. Truly, if you have ever talked to me about what my take is on life, you might understand it a little more.

I don't mean to be cliche when I say things as I am about to say or have said before, but it's all about the love. I don't say this as I'm about to light up a joint or shrooms, I'm not about to 'take down the man!', man. But as a sound human who believes that is humanity's responsibility to keep the world revolving. Hope and love, passion and determination. This is what living and life is about.

My relationship with Jeremy is timeless. It's a very incredible thing. And again, not to sound cliche, but we really are unlike any other. Partially because no two humans are the same, partially because I believe it is rare. What you believe shall serve as your own truth. But, I won't get into that discussion today.

I don't know exactly what is going on in my life all the time. But, "never doubt that I love thee".

I love you. That, I'm sure of. 

Parte II

Written November 2, 2008

"Untitled"

Sometimes I wonder why when we're young we're naive enough to believe in the perfect fairytale love. We are seemingly fearless and unbreakable, when when it's too late, you realize you were wrong. And all of a sudden, you are on the other side. The side of the invisible wall with everyone you hoped to prove wrong, to realize then they were just like you. And then watching with a bitterness at those who try for the first time with the same conviction, then the same result. There doesn't seem to be any time to question whether your first love took all the wonder and excitement of the concept of love of youth. And if broken hearts ever fully recover what you thought had been lost. So with the new fall season, am I ready to try again? I hope so since the world is catching up with me. There are other broken hearts, two incomplete pieces just enough to make a whole. One heart, our heart. Maybe it's not so much that the world is catching up to me as I am catching up to the world that was always here. I can start to smile for someone again.

Cont.

Written February 2, 2009

"Dear Life,"


Here are my note-to-selfs and reminders:
-dear life, please don't screw me
-I hope college doesn't chew me up and spit me out
-I hope my dreams and aspirations aren't lost in the process
-I hope I never lose that part of myself, whatever that part may be
-I hope I stay true to my beliefs, and never betray my better judgement
-Please let me fall in love with someone who won't try to hurt me
-Please keep my best friends and family safe
-Please let my inner beauty outshine the out
-I want my best friends to be happy
-I want to be happy
-I pray that I become a better person
-I want to change someones life
-I want someone to epically change mine
-I want to make a list of 50 things I've never done, and accomplish them all
-Then maybe 100
-Then maybe more
-I want to have the option to run away, then go back home to the ones I love
-I want to build a home from nothing, my own home and heart
-I want the judgemental looks to just stop
-I want to finish writing a book
-I want to leave something to be remembered by
-I want my plans to go accordingly
-Then, I want to break them all
-I want to wake up the day I turn 80, reflect on my life, and cherish every moment I've spent on this Earth
-I want someone to look pass my mask and break me
-I want to learn Kung Fu
-Then flip over stuff, yeah
-I want to learn how to cook as good as my Dad
-I want to have the chance to tell my Dad in person how much I love him before I leave for college.
-I don't want people to ever think they are forgotten.
-I think about all these people everyday
-I wish I didn't wish I were someone else sometimes
-I wish I didn't drop my phone so much
-I wish my phone would break so I would get another one
-I wish I would shoot for the stars, and finally, finally catch one
-I wish I didn't have to see my best friend cry
-I wish hearts didn't hurt so much

Sincerely,Me

In The Olden Days

These are a few blogs I've written from awhile back. I didn't want to completely delete them, they (in my opinion, are quite good reads. But of course I think they're good if I've written them. Meaning my opinion is biased. I am actually enjoying this little commentary. But it seems I need to stop now) are quite good.

Written May 26, 2009

"The Right Thing To Say"

Quotes that I find very appealing and true:
** It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.-- Alex Karras

Anyone can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend's success.-- Oscar Wilde

As long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you otherwise might.-- Marian Anderson

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.-- George Bernard Shaw

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.-- Oscar Wilde

** Being vulnerable doesn't have to be threatening. Just have the courage to be sincere, open and honest. This opens the door to deeper communication all around. It creates self-empowerment and the kind of connections with others we all want in life. Speaking from the heart frees us from the secrets that burden us. These secrets are what make us sick or fearful. Speaking truth helps you get clarity on your real heart directives.-- Sara Paddison

** I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death.-- Robert Fulghum

Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You're able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.-- Ralph Marston** Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about. -- Author Unknown ** The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're alive.-- Orlando A. Battista

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.-- Erica Jong

Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy... Anger... tears... laughter.. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it.-- Author UnknownIf I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.-- Author Unknown

** I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.-- Maya Angelou

Hello Sweetheart

Updates.

I am 18. In love. In bliss. In happiness. In thoughts. In laughter. In dreams. In aspirations. In art.

Inspired.

You inspire me.

The Chair Confession

I'm the best girlfriend, or the best best friend

I'm the best daughter, or the best granddaughter

I can't be both. And I know I should be able to, but I just don't know how
I can never walk the tightrope straight down the middle
and it makes me hate myself that much more.
Out of hurt, I get wound up and angry
But, so do they
And I don't want to mistreat anyone
But I'm running around trying to please everyone

I want a world where I could be with my boyfriend
and another with my best friend
and another in college
and another dancing
and another singing and playing the piano
and another with my family
and another with all my mistakes and hurt so that that Alexis in that world could just run away and not come back

But I only get one.

People reassure you that you're a good person when others leave
Then, when it starts happening again, other people repeat the same things to you when those who comforted you before are leaving
Till there's no one.
Till maybe you realize that they're right
That you're selfish, that you're not a good person

I don't want to be that. And it hurts me so much
I'm so angry with myself

I want to be the best girlfriend, and best bestfriend, the best daughter, and the best granddaughter. I love these people. I don't want to hurt them.

I wish I was better

Sparklers

I find myself smiling unconsciously. Driving home, in class, taking a walk, you know, life stuff. And it seems to me that when you smile, and don't even realize it till you catch yourself, that is the greatest type of contentment. Even furthermore, the purest type of happiness, when your body reacts before your mind really does.

Being enveloped in a memory as you relive it, enough to make your body physically reflect it is a miracle.

Life is a miracle. I'm in love with my world. The beautiful world in your eyes and in mine.

The "Real" World

I feel so adult. So grown up. And it's like being encased by a thin sheet of plastic.
Being independant can sometimes result to being lonely.
If you're the only person who thinks the way you do. Or feels the way you do.
If you want to be different. You will be seperated.
What's the point of being a strong person, learning the hard way, and having a mouthful to preach if only a few people listen? What were those lessons for?
And someone tell me why they were repeated.
Why I had to hurt the second, third, 10th, 15th, or 100th time?
I grew up fast because I had to. I couldn't sit back and just cry all the time.
I couldn't ask for help. And now I feel cold and don't bother.
And it puts a wall between me and the world...

I don't want to be serious or helpless all the time. But sometimes, it is difficult for me to find what there is to be happy about in a situation.

"Be happy because it's almost over," they say. "It's near the end, you're almost there." And after, they apologize because nothing more can be said or done.

What do I do then? Or in the meanwhile?

I don't want to be an adult right now. I want to be protected by people who love me. I am tired of picking up all the pieces.

Jeremy

I love you.
It's crazy.
I believe in you.
And the feeling is fantastic.
You are everything I ever wanted in someone else.
You are a part of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
I want to see you succeed.
I will pick you up if you should ever fail.
I will love you past any heartache.

I'd like, if you'd permit me, to spend the rest of my life with you.

Did You Think?

The old man with the dusty black toppers hat sticks his hand out
and sheepishly smiles
He's about to ask you if it's everything you thought
You open your mouth, like a child, eager and innocent to reply
but nothing comes out
There's not meant to be sound here
But still, the man's voice continues to drone
You forget why you came
Or even your name
And you realize then, that you'll never be the same
The man continues to grin, then slowly shrugs, and walks away
"Wait, what's your name?" you think to say

He turns around with a renewed glow, "Gro Winup"

(Insert Word Here)

The funny thing about love is that it can be funny, or rip you to shreds. How funny.

I watch the tv, but I don't see anything.

I listen to music, but the sound doesn't register.

I spend my life waiting on other people... and it makes me feel horrible.

You could not love at all, and flatline.

Or you could love and it would be the greatest letdown, or more promise than you ever expected. Nobody ever tells you what side you'll land on. Nobody tells you that you can switch the sides as quickly as you came into them.

It only takes a moment to change your mind...

Well... Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt

I'm lucky.

Maybe not lucky, maybe blessed is the right word.

Just... AHHHHHHHHHHRRGGGGGGG!

I just fucking love awesome days like this. Great memories. I love my Jeremy, like (high-pitched) YEE-AY-YAH (Also include an Asian man doing a heel click in the air with a thumbs up).

And great friends who provide great company (even bigger) YEEEEE-AAYYYY-YAAHHH!

Today was just freaking amazing. My abs hurt from laughing. Which I'll probably need since I devoured and demolished food today.

:D Ok!

Time

Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing through water. The oxygen in my lungs is running out, and I want to go faster, but can't. Other times, it's like spinning in circles. The blur of colors, the rush of blood, tiptoeing on the fact that you could fall, and that excited buildup you have in your stomach as your cheeks ache from smiling too much.

In an essance, that is the concept of time. Stop and go. Push and pull. Wanting to slow down each second to savor, or wanting to rush through it in a daze. I wish I could say that I was in a predicament where every single moment of my life compelled me to cherish it. But unrelentless boredom and a frantic mind often don't go hand in hand.

Basically, I hate boredom. It's unproductive and dissatisfying.

I just wish I had the people who make time really matter to me where here with me.

A Glimpse

I could give you a play by play on the things I want to achieve in life.

It's so different from what other people want, not that I expected it to be the same or anything like that, but sitting in a car, off campus for lunch, with an ex-best friend who was lighting a joint, put some things into perspective.

I couldn't help it. I asked her if she was happy, she said she was completely happy doing drugs, that she didn't want to spend her money on anything else really (she asked me what the point was), and that she was okay with dying young because dying is a part of life.

Well, that's one way of looking at it. But, I'm not at the slightest bit satisfied with that answer, simply because that's not what I want for myself. Imagine the type of clean cut, moral, "take the high road" person I am. I was raised to set standards up for myself. And I'm not entirely sure what that means.

Then, the topic of serious relationships came up, and she said she just wanted someone who...well, wanted her. Nothing more, really. And again, I find myself not being okay with that. I love serious relationships. I love being with that one person, that special person who is unlike any other beautiful thing created on this Earth (Jesus Christ, is he beautiful to me...) I pour my devotion, passion, love, faith, knowledge, and everything into it, in the belief that my love will grow and prosper, and that the happiness will always remain to stay true.

I believe in Princes, Princesses, and happy endings.

And eventually in the future, I want a beautiful family. A husband who loves me unconditionally. A beautiful baby girl or boy. The house that needed our personal touch to make it into a home...

Don't get me wrong, this picture isn't for the now. But someday, when I'm ready, ready to give my whole world to the two most important people in it, I'll ask God to grant me these blessings. I want these things when I am capable of fufilling them to the greatest extent. I want it, when the time is right.

It's just a glimpse into the future.

I Can Feel The Rain

And from the blur of city lights
Swept away through the bustling city
she stood
A red raincoat, and beneath it, black hair
stuck to her face and rested on her wet cheeks and shoulders
He took hold of her hands
"You're cold"
She nodded
"I know, they're encrypted with ice"
He looked down at the hands that quivered,
usure if it were his own
shards of ice falling beneath them
washed away from the rush of water
and drowned out by the thunder
"Can't you hear the crashing?" she lifted her face towards the sky
"Can't you hear it breaking...?
The chaos is as steady as my heartbeat."
He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around the frailty, "Heartbeat or break?"
She rested her head on his chest, "In all certainty, both"

So... yeah

Sometimes it is just necessary to write a blog just because. Just because things are good. Just because things are okay. I think too often people like to meditate or focus their energy on the negative. It's destructive sometimes. So here's a blog dedicated to things being alright. I am really excited for this month, it's full of great things and oppurtunities.

I love (insert a noun: life, friends, boyfriend, God, dance, music etc. etc.)

Goodnight

Blah blah blah

When I write a lot, obviously I have a lot on my mind.
I'm just restless, and I get like this specifically when I am not staying busy
I've tried today, I went to the gym, wrote some music, wrote some blogs, rented some movies, blah blah blah
But I look forward to when I can hear from you.
I haven't (by haven't I meant barely) heard from you all day...
Do you know how much that sucks?
I know I must be crazy. But I miss you even when you're with me,
how am I suppossed to feel when I don't hear from you at all?
Like I said, I know I am being unreasonable.
I just want things to be easy. I want to see you everyday, and I can't.
I feel like a little kid who is selfish
It's just... AHHHHBLAKDJLFSKDJFJSLK

!!!

It's driving me crazy :(

It Isn't A Crime

To say that I miss you.
God, I miss you so much.
You've been busy, and it sucks
I wish I could spend more time with you
Because my mind is ahead of physicality
And there is a track set only and always on you
I think about you when I wake up, before I go to sleep, and in between
I'll even dream about you sometimes

I love you. And I want you with me.

But, I know it will get harder from here...

This Isn't A Game

Somebody told me today, "People have certain, you know, needs. That's why people cheat. You say you won't now, and I'm not saying you will, but you could very well find yourself in that circumstance."

That's what everybody says. To exagerate things, it's like second degree murder. Not premeditated. But at the cost of somebody's life, and the lives of others. After it's done, something vital is lost, be it trust or the well being of someone's heart.

It made me slightly upset that I was told this. Maybe this person doesn't know me enough to understand not to generalize me. But, I've yet to experience a "normal" path thus far.

I've been in love exactly three times. And am head over heels, I swear it, in love with my third (I could throw in the cliche "third times the charm" saying because I believe in him - and in us - wholeheartedly). I've never felt so strongly about someone. I've never been with someone intimately without seeing anything less than love behind their eyes. Because to look into someones eyes with a fire that burned for nothing but lust and sex is actually very cold. Call me old fashioned. Call me an extremist. Call me naive. I don't care. I just think I should be respected for being firm on my beliefs, and I'm sorry if I realize the weight it would be to cheat on someone. To break someones heart when they've given you a sacred part of themselves.

We aren't all programmed to just fuck fuck fuck. That's disgusting. So to any cheating boys who have meaningless sex - keep your dick inside your fucking pants before you decided to cheat on your girlfriend and make the next months of her life a living hell. Same goes to the girls, keep your legs closed for God's sake.

If you love someone, you should cherish them. Cheating just because you want pleasure is form of instant gratification, which as everyone should know, is what this generation is obsessed with. Loving someone is so special that it sickens me to ever think I could hurt Jeremy like that. I can't imagine how I would feel either.

Yep, this was a long one (no pun intended), but I had to rant. Goodnight

The Human Tendancy

The human body can be like a glass vial.
Certain things are flowing through
Some you can't control, and that's the human tendancy
To feel anger, resentment, jealousy, and bitterness
Something can automatically set it off
and you have to consciously and logically
supress those emotions.
And once you do, you sit back and ask yourself
how you let yourself become overcome by them
and the high is followed by guilt, and a twist of the heart
Everyone knows it, it's a familiar shadow

I hate that feeling. I want to scrub it from my system.
I don't want to be that person.
I know better.

I'm Not That Forgetful

A piece of me, embroidered with ruby, is tucked away inside my conscious
To look in the face of darkness, it makes the heart start to pump
and the blood start to burn
It makes the nails dig into the palm
It makes the child inside start to weep
It's like a match set to kerosine
Rising through my skin outwardly till there's no place left to burn
But fire doesn't cleanse, it blackens
And these rubies grow, jaggedly so
On the heart
Like a twisted armor made of thorns
One does not protect, but is masked by the title
The deepest cuts are from the inside
As I cling onto the delicate fabrics
Sanity in the wake of destruction
with a lover called despair and tragedy
Winding down the road
The most sorrowful lullaby is playing it's last progression
And the box is shut

From you, unto me, is the greatest misery

We're Here Again

At the same thought process, because, obviously, it is me who is writing. And my voice and tone will remain the same in all of these entries.

Here I am again, contemplating life ect. ect. ect. as I always do. Repititious sometimes, isn't it? Too bad that life isn't ever repititious, and that no two things can ever occur again. It isn't actually too bad, though, is it? It gives infinate amounts of things to think about.

Such as the wonderment that is attatched to another human being. What ARE they thinking?! As soon as we begin to realize that no two stories are ever identical, that is when the fascination sets in. People are united by a common bond, that in fact, isn't too common. Have you ever thought about that? For example, bond by a common love, or on the contrary, a common enemy. But when you break it down on a close scale, does anyone ever feel the same way?

As I explained to two people previously (which probably was what sparked this blog to begin with), it's like explaining a color to a blind person. You simply cannot. The only way you know is to see the color, much like emotions. The only way to describe the color red, or this case the feeling of love, is to see it, and in love's case, to feel it. There is no other way around it. And emotions, in which all are rooted from love, are what color the existence of life. That is to say that life wouldn't have a meaning without love, so I sincerely feel sorry for those who haven't been touched by it yet.

I don't mean, love from family or friends (don't get me wrong, that type of love is absolutely crucial to existance), but specifically the romantic love from your soul mate. The person you were meant to be with for the rest of your life. The person who is perfectly imperfect for you and you alone.

It's like breathing. And being reborn every single moment of your life.

How fantastic it is. And suddenly, we are back at square one where we feel everything is new.

And Honestly, who would've known

How should I put this? To say that my life resembles some sort of dramatic, cinematic story would be an understatement. Not even storywriters could make these moments better. No amount of oxygen could ease my breathe. And I didn't know what I was missing, until I found you.

I guess God is the best writer of them all. After all, stories should be based off of real life. And what a story we've been.

I don't want anyone else. I think I've hit the end of the road where I walk alone.

I love you Jeremy.

These photos used to be black and white

Sometimes, you can't help it. Something triggers your memory, nothing signficant, which makes everything more significant to you at the moment.

When I think back, and look back at the pictures I have with my old friends, I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. I know I'm supposed to be where I'm at now, I know that things happen for a reason. But I kind of miss what I had before I had a reason not to be friends with them in the first place.

Things can never be the same. We're all on different paths. But, we all used to be on the same one. "Friends stay side by side" is what we said. And now? What has happened to us

I didn't know how to end that last phrase, I don't know if it's a question, or a statement, or whatever.

I guess I'd like to revisit those memories. Even though I know I can't. Some days are the days you wish you can. And others, you focus on moving forward with your life. I'm moving forward, voluntarily or not.

For Everything

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

Follow Your Eyes Towards The Sunrise

Follow your eyes towards the sunrise
let the blindness clear your mind
Embers are exhaled through my breathe
and new fires to set and find
You are the glove to fit my hand
The sea inside the shell
This is the word that grips my tongue
And lips they long to tell

Follow the sound of thunder
For it's caged inside my chest
No strings of letters, sown across,
that one look cannot atest
Softly brush my fingers
on the grains upon your palm
This melody that's in your soul
my heart shall sing along

Brilliance

Is reflecting off of the multi-colored panes of glass. Splintering into a thousand pieces. Warming even the darkest of crevices. Smothering the darkest of hearts.

There is power to innocence because it does not claim power. And that's a clean heart.

Nightlight

It's late, which is usual for me to blog. It will end soon now that summer is coming to a close. I feel like time was so completely stalled the beginning half of summer, and ever since the beginning of August, things have shifted gears full swing.

Nighttime is where I reach the most clarity I think.

I feel so breathless. I am definately in love with being in love and feeling the most passion I can in life. I see no other way to live. Everytime I look at him, my thoughts are literally gone. It's like when you lose your place in a book. It happens in a moment. But, that single moment is enough to make me feel like I am falling. And falling. And falling... to a place that has no end.

In 19 days, my life has changed in the most unexpected way and in the largest way that I didn't even think it was possible. He is amazing, and saying that he is amazing is almost an insult.

I am truly blessed.

My Checklist

To God for everything I am thankful for...

It will go on forever, I swear. I am so incredibly blessed that I cannot believe my life sometimes. Sure, there are hardships, but I overcome it with the strength in my heart, from my support group of friends, and most importantly I draw it from God. He knows what he is doing.

Jeremy, I have no words. You are so amazing, and such a blessing...

The Road Less Traveled...Or Not At All

What a twisted turn of events that my passport was the only one that did not come in time for my big summer vacation to Mexico. After waiting a few weeks, we come to find that it was lost in the mailing process.

So, after some improv to the plans, we decided to go to Puerto Rico. We booked the hotel, the flight, and the rental car. The dates were set, and we were more than ready to go except:

UH OH! HURRICANES!

Yes, hurri-effing-canes... WOW.

So, it seems we're not meant to travel this summer, but that's okay. I had one of the best days/nights of summer spent with one of the most amazing people to ever walk the face of the Earth. Wanna know why? Because this person is exactly like me. And so naturally, we are awesome.

I'm sorry, I have to giggle at my humor...

Okay, I'm done.

But seriously, I am almost tempted to persuade my family to stay in town rather than a quick trip to California because I would like to spend more time with my friends here.

Let's end this summer with a bang, shall we?

Hmm

You don't write anymore.

Is it because you don't want to have to think about everything? Because you might find something out about yourself that you don't like?

Whatever. It honestly doesn't even matter. I've always cared too much.

Oh, I Wanna Hold Your Hand

For many reasons. Unable to be explained with words. But, if I tried, simply because it feels right.

I am completely bewildered by what draws two people together. I am in awe of it. And I am lucky that I do feel it, and always have experienced it strongly.

My hand is drawn to yours.

To Think They're Only In Books

Things are going by fast. Way fast. And it is difficult for me to voice, but I voice them because of the simple fact that it is the truth. It's like something inside of me, and obviously him, is already at this "level" (not the right word, but I can't even explain it, honestly) and my mind just needs some time to catch up. It's only understandable. I am moving as fast as humanly possible. But, it is a crazy ride. And I think I'm the only who is slowing it down. It's all in place, I just need time so that it can register somehow in my head.

I didn't really think this would exist. Or that it would even happen this way. But, it is too uncanny to deny that he is my other pair.

I literally have no other words. It's just so crazy

Oh!

And the other huge news I forgot to mention.

I've decided to be happy in life, and leave the rest to figure out.

I'm auditioning for Calarts for dance. I'm getting in. And I am determined to make it.

I'm going to do what I love. And it's a fantastic feeling

A Quick One

But, important nonetheless.

I just had one of the most excellent conversations ever.

Seriously, I am almost at a loss for words. I didn't think it possible, but someone actually gets me. It's like talking to a boy version of me. I've never met anyone who met my thoughts on par.

Not gonna lie, it's pretty tight. I wonder how I got here. I wonder how the rest of it will unfold

Dearest Bunny,

I'm writing to you to keep some part of you alive to me. I don't want to lose a best friend, and if I can pretend that you're still here somewhere, I'll feel okay. These blogs aren't for anyone else really, more for me to breathe, more for you to understand. Even though I know you won't read this, even though I don't know where you have really gone.

But, updates bunny, updates. I am happy. Of course not always, but those pieces of happiness give me a glimpse of what the future will look like with time. Time was always weighted with you. Things happened as fast as they went away. That being said, it was all crucial and important. I am starting a few things that make me feel like I am back where I was four months ago: with you. Except this time, it isn't with you. I'm starting to understand that you're not the only person who thinks I seem like the perfect girl. And it makes my heart fill and repair. A fraction at a time.

I was good for you bunny. You weren't good for me.

But Wendy still loves you nonetheless

Tonight's closing thought

I still love you by the way. The you that is waiting for me on cloud 9.

He is amazing. I love him a lot...

The Winding Road

Writing, writing, writing...

It seems it's like one of the only things that make sense nowadays. I sit back and wonder, wide eyed, when I will stop crying. And for some reason, it normally happens at night just before I dream. An acknowledgement of things that cannot be ignored or pushed aside. An acknowledgement that there is a hole inside my chest.

Something about nighttime drives makes me want to go down that road forever. No other cars. Thoughtful music. City lights. Overcast weather. Simplicity.

I beg for simplicity because when things become overcomplicated, it saturates my mind with too many thoughts, most of them overwhelming. I literally cannot breathe when I am overwhelmed by things, and these things as of late have been from pain. Mental heartache manifests into physical discomfort. And it sucks.

I just look forward to being an "adult". I want to get the hell out of high school. Get the hell away from people who are, simply put, just fucking stupid. I'm sick of mindless people who have no thoughts deeper than the drama that is surrounding their immediate life. I have a word of advice for you: Get over it.

I'm looking for people who have this incredible energy for life. Passion filled people with potent minds and good hearts. People who utilize their voices for a purpose on any scale. Do not speak of useless things. Speech was created for a purpose of expressing oneself. Not to fill awkward silences. Whether it be for entertainment, enlightenment, what have you. Use your voice for a purpose.

Lastly, speaking of "adulthood", I want the luxury of having the proper circumstances for a relationship. Sneaking around your parents, asking to borrow the car or for gas money, having a curfew, ect. - limits you and also makes you realize how immature a relationship like that can be. It's too childlike and too reckless.I want to be able to fall in love without anyone else's approval, see them whenever and wherever, enjoy a day spent in bed or at home with them...

Makes me wish I could grow up faster.

True Colors

I guess you never know. I guess these colors are everchanging. People change. Circumstances change them.

But seriously, I have no hard feelings. It only pushes me more towards God. People let me down, He will not. He will not fail me, or leave me, or hurt me. And I believe in his plan. I will not weaken from these obstacles, I will grow from them till I have reached my full potential, and then more.

Let me just say this, it was not a mistake that you couldn't see how much of a good woman I am. It's just God's way of saying, I deserve better. Someone who I don't have to settle for. Someone who fits me in the way a glove fits a hand. Someone who will care for me. And most importantly, who will love me and prize that love.

I will patiently wait for him. And till then, my heart may remain incomplete. I want someone who can love me as much as I love him. That is my prayer

I am the color Red

Cheers

Get ready boys and girls. Because summer has finally started.

Better late than never. It's starting to pump the blood back into my system.

Lifestreaming

Random Thoughts

Myspace is bs. I hate the fact that it's an announcement of my personal life. I am considering deleting it completely or just making it inactive. I don't even know what's going on in my life, and I'm not about to go post it (blogs are different, ha).

Another thing. I'm not about to go delete any of my past blogs either, even if currently I don't agree with all of them. My mind is hyperactive and constantly switching back and forth so I'm pretty sure you can tell how I'm feeling by the vibe of each blog. Sometimes I'm cool, sometimes I'm great, sometimes I'm not so hot. But come on, get off my back and cut me some slack.

I'm doing okay. I'm managing. I have a beat to my step. But I want more. I am always craving more. I like living with emotional extremes (don't get me wrong, I obviously want extreme happiness, but I know I can't have it without the bad). I'm not cool with being a straight line stoic type. I don't like being detached from life, I like living it. But at the same time, I love thinking about situations and scenarios in life. I thrive off of life talks; they're the best. And I also think it brings you closer to people when you can relate to them on another level.

Man, who really knows anything anymore? I've got a few things figured out and I guess everything else I'll just have to wing, with experience in my back pocket and an open mind. An open mind to stay on my own life road and focus on that rather than becoming entangled with other people.

I've got to keep busy, busy, busy. I've got to keep going or else my thoughts will become self destructive. I'm walking on a very thin line coated with ice. But every moment, the line gets thicker, the ice starts to melt, and I move on.

Oh, one last thing. Memories are sweet, but I fall in love at the wrong times. Love can be a bitch. So can life and its circumstances. It's always the circumstance, never the people and I'm not sure which is worse.

God Bless. Lord knows we all need it

Fire Burning

There's a fire burning in my heart. And not even my tears can put it out. I'm sorry. I am not angry with you. I just love you. The thought of losing you hurts so much.

There has to be a way out of this hole.

The Grains Of Sand

I am wrecked by indecision. And torn completely in two. Sometimes, I think everything will be okay, and then I remember that they are not. I have to be okay with not being okay, I have to deal and ride the wave until it dies down. But other times, I drown. Tied to an anchor at the other end of the road when I am in the middle and immobile.

All you had to do is look at me to see that I loved you. But looking at me would re-convince you how much you don't want to let go. And how hard it is.

So this is the breaking point. All or nothing. And you ask me to not let everything go, but I can't give you that unless you are willing to give me what I want. Push through it, or everything is gone. And I will stay gone

Holes Inside

It gets so bad sometimes to the point I want to throw my phone and just leave it there. It's not like anyone would care or notice. It's not like anyone even reads this blog. I feel like a tool. I check my phone and no words. And if there are, there are one, two, or three of them that means nothing. I haven't felt this cold in awhile and pushed to the side. I used to think I was this prized thing to you. Now I'm a chore.

All the while, I am waiting here like an idiot to hear a word from you that actually means something. You used to look forward to seeing me. To hearing from me. And now you have to go out of your "way" to make time.

I've hollowed out a hole inside my chest. All I do is cry all the time. Because I miss you, I miss you being here. You're words aren't enough, you say so little. How could you care? If you don't feel like I do. I'm so tired of being sad. You could change it all, you could make me happy again, or leave it the same till I've had enough. I'm almost at the end.

Droplets

These droplets are falling in my head. All contradicting eachother. Sometimes I think I know the right thing to do, other times I don't know. I can be outgoing and funny, and the next day I feel like it's all a waste. I need something fresh; I want it constantly. And I know what that thing is and how impossible it is for me to have. I hate being in love sometimes, and the rest of the time, I only feel hope. But hope is a tricky thing. Hope in place of something that is absent. A promise in place of something I can't hold with my arms or touch with my fingers.

As sweet as memories are, they become duller as days go on. They aren't as clear and they lose details, precious precious details that once they are gone, you realize that you are sitting on your bed, writing a blog on how much you wish they were here. I don't know which side to cling onto. Feeling like I am hearing from him because of words that appear on my phone, hearing his voice on the other line, or seeing his face on the other end of a computer screen? Nothing changes the fact that he isn't here. And that I can't touch him or hold him like I want to. And when I realize these things, it makes me feel weak. Makes the droplets in my head pour down a storm. Because I am crying. I am in love but half my heart is missing, and thus is incomplete.

The twisted part is, I would rather love the ghost of you than nothing at all. And when you are here, my heart sings. It's all I can hold onto.

Summer Nights

Those summer nights, driving down the road late at night and early in the morning, city lights, star gazing, meeting new friends, laughing till you cry, and acting care free. I've missed all of that. Summer is halfway gone, and I can't even really remember it. I feel like it's wasted. And I don't know how I can salvage it when things seem to be slipping or have already been lost. Can I just wake up tomorrow where all the things I imagined for my "last" summer come true? Can I shut my eyes tightly, and when I open them, I see that things are changed?

Summertime dreamers and true believers.

I get scared

I think I've hit the realization that I am self conscious because I fear I am not up to par for the people I love. I am scared that my beauty, beauty meaning beyond physicality, will not be enough to keep or sustain through difficult times. In my eyes, their beauty will never be in question if it is enough, it is more than enough. It is a blessing. I just want the same certainty. I want to be worth it. I want to be a blessing. Just like they are in my life...

I don't want to feel like I fall into the background noise anymore. I don't want to disappear. It's just when I am with them, they are all I see. It's like looking into the eyes of a miracle. And I am falling.

The Ferris

You know what is?
Red hearts cut neatly from construction paper,
gets weathered, bent, and starts to rip at the edges
I smile, but I'm losing my composure
My mask starts to break when I start to cry, then I smile,
because it's stupid
Stupid, but it's hurting me
Your fingers are made from metal
But I offer the heart shaped paper anyways
Without intention, it isn't worth a mention,
the paper heart begins to tear
into a million little pieces at the touch of a machine
"Hey" he says "You've got a raindrop falling down your cheek,
it looks like a tear"
And the paper falls like rose petals in the water
And I lay my head back, and I am falling back
But something warm catches me
and wraps around me
Its name is love, made from ripped up paper and rain
I am on the sails, with you as my anchor
It's hard to hear you from way up here
The ship is heading towards the sunset,
and then returning to the rise
While my anchor lies stationary, staring up at the clouds

It's starting to rain a lot these days.

The love she breathes

In the end, this piece of good advice has stuck with me to be the big picture: love as much as you can, while you can. Life is too short. I think it's funny how people think they have control of decisions like this, when it comes to emotions. You can't just cut the people you love out of your life, it's not your decision to make. Nor can you make yourself feel something you don't. So if you love someone, let yourself love them, and let yourself receive that love. A lot of the obstacles in life differ on how we percieve them. We can see them as a cement wall, or a speed bump. It's about perspective. Then, perseverance and faith. Love is like the flowing vein in life. It keeps us alive, keeps us vital. And when you pursue that path to your full ability, you have no regrets. Only experience to make you grow and appreciate the beautiful miracles that we take for granted on a daily basis. The only time I'd say two people don't work, if they were truly in love, is if somehow one no longer loves the other. Everything else can be conquered.

Because in the end, all you really can recall are things experienced, not the things prevented.

Today's Forecast

The weather inside my head as of late has been groggy. Yesterday I woke up, thinking it would be one of the best days of summer, and it turned out to be one of the worst. And this forecast in my head is cloudy. It is just another example of how you never know just how different your day will turn out, or just how predictable. I was planning on just laying in bed all day, because it is pointless to roam aimlessly around my piano, doodle on a few notes and melodies, and manage to wander back into bed. There's not too much I want to do today. I am helpless to the fact that my heart feels like sandpaper is rubbing against it, and I'm trying not to cry too much. But every little thing is setting me off. I just want to be alone, but part of me is insisting that I take Katy's advice and go to that swim party. I can at least pretend to be okay. I can smile, and maybe even get a real laugh into it. But who really knows.

I don't know if I can do this. But, I'm going to try.

Isn't it crazy

Something that is bitterly laughable is the subject of love. It is the best thing, it is the worst thing. But, how do you decide what is what when you are caught in the middle of it? I've said I was in love before, and there was no denying I was. But looking back I wish I could've had the opportunity to fight for it instead of the other person making a decision for the both of us, cutting the vein while the rest of me bled out. I bled out. Who really knows what the right thing is in a situation until it has already passed and you can evaluate all you like? It's like all the cliche things that ever have been said about love: love is a drug, love is the devil, love is kind, love is the best thing you will have. How could something be so euphoric, and so painful? Hearing stories of how love succeeded or failed is as much a relevence as a picture of air is to a man who is suffocating.

Funny thing is, I knew this wouldn't be easy.