There will always be a square one.

There will always be a square one. Always be summer. A winter. Memories of a life once lived and re-occuring themes. And as I am typing, I wonder how I have found myself sitting once more in my bed during the day, trying the pass the time to alleviate the pressure that my thoughts are causing inside of my head... Also to stop the ever expanding hole that I feel in my body. Again I am here. Different faces maybe, but human interactions and situations (for the most part) are all the same. I don't need fancy words or metaphors to just be able to say my heart hurts. My body hurts. My head hurts. I am just, altogether, hurting. Can I just say it? Scream it even. But I have run out of people to tell and the thought is still so evident and raw in my entire body. I try to pull strength from invisible lines. How is it though, that you can hoist yourself up after you've fallen? Where the hell do you get that kind of strength? I am trying to keep my thoughts busy by trying to keep them in check. I am trying to stop looking at the clock. I am trying to play the game of who needs who least, but I lose every time and cave. Does this mean I am weak? Or that my capacity to love is great? Am I overbearing? Or am I giving him everything that I always wanted. Because I know that I want to be wanted. I want someone whose thoughts always somehow land on me, like mine do to him. He sneaks into my conversations, into my thoughts, and even into my dreams. I had a nightmare last night about how today's (future) conversation would pan out. Different scenarios, all options he can take. But, I have an option too. And what I ask is very simple. Love me like you claim you do. You tell me that you've never loved anything as much as you love me? Show me, because now words are not enough. How can you be bored dating your "dream girl"? The reality of it is, is that I am not the dream girl you truly imagined or that you are not loving me the way you should. And in that case, I can't do it anymore. I can't need you more than you need me. I can't drop everything if you need me, and when I need you, you may not be there. It isn't fair. Does this mean I love you any less? Of course not. But it will allow me to move on and become more independent. If you cannot give me the love that I give you, then I can't wait do it. If I can't have you Tiger, I will be lucky if I find someone like you in the future.